Mermoid: Odd Job
by Talps
Summary: Emergency order: A Large Bigmac meal with a diet coke. Exterminate all 'Mermoid' organisms on planet Chibis… And defeat the mechanical life form, “Mother Lung”. Chapter 9: Neevil rampage, Raid's Lair, THE LIZARD IS RED!
1. Prologue

What in the world possessed me to write a Metroid parody? Anyway, This is a parody; therefore all the characters are at least reasonably unique, even if names and events are crushingly familiar. Still, I don't own or have permission to use Metroid or anything else here, I'm just counting on the whole, it's a parody, it's legal rule.

I'll just get on with it, shall I?

Prologue

In the year 24Q5 of the Cosmic Calendar, representatives from the many different planets in the galaxy met together to discuss the rising number of food-poisoning cases caused by intergalactic Burger Bars and the price of take-away pizzas on the planet, Forminoov. During the 104-year-long meeting that followed, the peoples and cultures of the universe flourished and prospered, safely sheltered from the influence of their commanding bodies. Soon, however, raging bands of intergalactic Space Parrots began to attack planets and space ships, wiping out entire plant-species in a desperate hunt for exotic seeds and root-vegetables. The leaders of the peoples of the galaxy broke up their meeting to hunt down the viscous parrots, and as they re-established there laws to there respective planets, solar-systems and galaxies, all peace and stability forged by the peoples of the universe began to fall away. The galactic police was formed and so began the long war of handing out speeding tickets to drivers going mere light-years above the designated speed limits, and bothering small groups of tweenaggers hanging around asteroids and street corners. "Unable to track down the Space Parrots in the vast reaches of space," the Galactic police began a long hunt for Bounty hunters to do the job for – uh, I mean, along side their own forces.

In the year 75V4J29 of the Cosmic Calendar, a terrible incident occurred. The Space Parrots attacked a deep-space research vessel and, mistaking them for samples of plant-seeds and cosmicarrots, seized capsules containing samples of an unknown species that had been discovered on planet I8UL. The Space Parrots were at first disappointed with their catch, until they discovered the nature of these life forms. Known simply as Mermoids, these intoxicating orgas – I mean organisms, were incredibly dangerous, as they were able to use the incredible hypnotic powers of their voices to lull their prey to sleep before stealing and eating their kidneys. Furthermore, it was possible to replicate Mermoids in vast numbers by feeding them substantial amounts of Dr Pepper (What's the worst that could happen?) The hypotheses that the Mermoids were responsible for one of the greatest mysteries in the entire galaxy – the extinction of the intelligent life forms of planet I8UL – was generally ignored as no intelligent life forms were known to have existed on I8UL in the first place. Those who claimed to have found signs of intelligent life on the planet where pelted with olives and dumped on remote asteroids.

If the Space Parrots were able to breed the Mermoids and use the creatures as biological weapons, the destruction of all galactic civilisation was unlikely, but the Galactic Federation liked to exaggerate. After a desperate search, the Federation Police stumbled into the Space Parrots' base of operations on the fortified planet, Chibis. They intended to launch a full assault on the planet, but parrot resistance was strong, and the fighter pilots decided to stop and have a burger on the way to Chibis and every one developed severe diarrhoea and vomiting: it was revealed shortly afterwards that the federations crack-down on food poisoning had been less than successful. All the while, in a room hidden deep within the centre of the parrots' fortress, the preparations for multiplying the Mermoids were progressing steadily as large shipments of Dr Pepper were being ordered or hijacked to the planet.

As a last resort, the Federation Police decided on a risky strategy: to send a lone bounty hunter to penetrate the Space Parrots' base and destroy the mechanical life form that controlled the fortress and its defences: the Mother Lung. Within hours of this message being sent out, with a promise of a hefty reward for the victor, every request for a bounty hunter other than this one was filled. Finding an unemployed bounty hunter was like looking for a Baskan tidge-fibre in a cransh-fibre stack. Even the filthiest, lowest paying jobs were taken and the best bounty hunters were taking months to fulfil the most simple of tasks. But out of a sheer stroke of luck, that tidge-fibre was found. The federation managed to track down a single, unemployed bounty hunter in a cheap motel near the Ogmargjim system, by the name of Salami Amok (TAR TARRAH TA TAH!). Certainly not the greatest of all the bounty hunters, Salami had successfully failed numerous missions that others had thought quite easy actually. He was unlucky and usually poorly equipped, uninteresting and unimaginative: as exciting as wood rot. Due to these less-than-encouraging stats, very few people were bothered about him and much of his past remained a mystery. The federation had decided that in the quite likely case that he failed pitifully, at least no one could say the universe was worse off due to his, er, "tragic" demise.

Alone, Salami Amok successfully landed on the surface of Chibis, which was in itself an achievement for the failed bounty hunter. Hesitating to gaze at the ancient stonework with a distant, reminiscent look in his eyes (do I sense a cliché approaching?) Salami agreed to carry out this mission and face the traps of the Mother Lung. But could Salami Amok truly complete this task and return peace and order to the galaxy? Or should we all be investing our life savings in sound proof bomb shelters?

"Crack open the piggy bank Margery!"

* * *

Praise, love, creative criticism, flames, death-threats, legal war, if it's a review of any kind I'll take it! 


	2. Chapter 1

Sorry about the wait, it's great to get your reviews (sniff, it's what makes the job all worth while). And on a completely unrelated note, the thing I loved about "Metroid" was that all through the first game you're thinking "Won't it be great when he wins and all the pirates loose and great stuff like that," and then you complete the game and it's "HE's a Wha?" The confidence that the hero was… a hero, which the creators completely shattered and made the game a lot better, just cause Samus Aran is a girl. 

Anyway…

* * *

Chapter 1, In Which our Hero Flies to Planet "Chibis" and Lands in "Cafeteria"

Salami Amok, un-esteemed bounty hunter took five minutes to work out why his (I mean, surely he's a guy, right?) ship was overheating, despite the constant screaming of his terrified computer. Suddenly he worked it out. "Computer, steer away from that star!"

"Thank you sir. It was about time you figured that one out."

"Alright, no need to be rude."

The ship gave a mechanical sigh while calculating the chances of the bounty hunter surviving his quest through the caverns of Chibis. The odds of him surviving the landing were low. The computer sighed again. "Would you like me to direct our course to planet Chibis?"

Salami Amok gave a reminiscent sigh before answering. "Yes computer, that would be great. And make me a coffee while you're at it."

> > > >

The ship hurtled towards the fortified rock known as planet Chibis. Gun turrets waved erratically into the air and sleek, bright pink space-parrot ships buzzed busily in and out of atmosphere and pointlessly zipping round the planet and circling the planets 2 moons, each with a crater near the centre that gave the planet its unfortunate name.

Salami Amok walked back into the cabin drinking his coffee though a straw to his midriff.

"Sir, we are approaching the planet," The computer informed the bounty hunter unnecessarily.

"Are we? Great, I hadn't noticed!" Salami Amok said cheerfully, alerting the computers worst suspicions. "Scan the planet for signs of technology and prepare the landing cycle, would you?" Amok drifted out of the cabin.

The computer sighed, gazing down at the planets numerous fortifications and landing platforms. Still, not one to disobey orders, the computer did the scan and revealed that the planet was decidedly swarming with technology. On a lighter note, all the technology was wired into the Mother Lung, so once the Federation found a competent bounty hunter to beat her to death the whole affair should go up in flames. The computer did a scan for life readings and fizzy drink consumption and aimed for the richest point, wondering if there would be time to fly off for a gulp of plutonic waste before Amok emerged with some sort of animal gnawing on the leg of his power suit, wanting to go home.

> > > >

"Sir, we're entering atmosphere. I'll have to engage manual pilot in 30 seconds."

"Just a sec, I'm on the toilet!"

"Sir…" The computer's voice contained more than a hint of fear. "25 seconds till I'll shut down." The computer considered calculating the chances of landing safely without a pilot, and then decided he'd feel better if he didn't. "Sir…"

"Hang on!" The toilet flushed.

"15 seconds till auto pilot switches off. Hurry up!"

The sink gurgled. "Have patience for goodness sake! I gotta wash my hands."

"Sir…" The computer whined hopelessly. "10 Seconds."

Salami Amok wandered into the cabin with his coffee mug in his hand. "10 seconds till what?" Salami spotted the view through the front window. "Petratical's sake Computer, why didn't you tell me we were entering atmosphere?" Balancing his coffee cup in its holder, he leapt into the pilot's seat and engaged manual pilot with mere seconds to spare.

The computer sighed and hastily made out and internally saved his will, donating his bodywork to the NHS.

> > > >

The computer opened its metaphorical eyes and looked around. If it'd had a face it would have looked shocked. "I don't believe it! You actually pulled off a successful landing!"

"Of course I did! I told you all you needed to do was have faith in me!"

The computer seemed stunned into silence, and then regaining its wits, began, "Alright, lets make sure you're got everything. Power suit? Yes, is your pwaor beam switched on?"

"Of course it's switched on! And I've got my sandwiches."

"Good. Did you remember your missiles?"

There was an embarrassed silence from the bounty hunter and the computer sighed. "That's it Amok, I give up on you. If you don't make more of an effort we're through." So saying, the computer raised up Salami's seat and ejected him from the ship. Salami found himself sitting in his seat, only now on top of the ship, as an oppose to inside of it.

"Hey, let me back in, I didn't finish my coffee!"

The bounty hunter beat his fists furiously on the cabin roof, before giving up and yelling, "Oh, fine! I'll just go and get myself eaten by mermoids and then you'll feel guilty for the last thing you ever saying to me is you yelling at me!" Realising guilt-tripping was proving unsuccessful, Salami sighed and clambered down from the roof of his ship.

"You can at least turn on the stealth," Salami informed the ship sniffily. A rock pattern spread over the ship, covering the bright red paint. Any passing Space Parrot to spot it would simply have thought it a space ship with rocks painted on it.

Still, it seemed good enough for Salami, who smiled and turned around from the ship and looked around at the place where they had landed. He was standing in the ancient eating-ground of the now-extinct Bozo race, known as Cafeteria. Large rocky walls rose up on all sides, creating the small area dotted with stone picnic tables. A long, stone bar ran along one side with a pile of decomposing fake-wood trays piled at one end. A large energy door stood behind the bar with the legend, "Staff only" imprinted into it. A gaping tunnel entrance opposite this door led deep underground. After gazing round nostalgically at the stone monuments, a strong electric prod urged Salami Amok into the cave, where he disappeared into the non-existent darkness.

Watching his heat signature to be sure he was gone, the ship fired a cannon blast into the cave, causing a heavy rockslide. And in case that hadn't completely shut off the bounty hunter, the ship fired a second shot at the cave's mouth, knocking down a large chunk of rock and sealing off the entrance to the cave. Satisfied that that would puzzle Amok for long enough to get some private time, the ship took off and flew towards the nearest interstellar café for that plutonic waste.

* * *

And so the epic begins. Reply! 


	3. Chapter 2

Replies, replies, fantastic replies! Fantastic replies for a fantastic story (I hope). Chapter 2! (Sorry it's a bit slow at the beggining)

* * *

Chapter 2, In Which our Hero drops into "Brisket" and Finds Some Interesting Bozo Artifacts

Salami Amok wandered through the cave, marvelling at the bare rock and long-dead fungus. Up ahead was an energy door, blocking the path. He raised his arm-cannon and fired a blast at the door. A blast of green-tinged air fired at the door, which seemed unaffected for several seconds before emitting a loud wheezing choke. It short-circuited and opened.

Salami had never been able to work out why the Pwaor Beam had that effect. With a shrug, he stepped through the door and continued through the tunnels of Chibis. As he leapt down off a ledge he switched on the mental recording system in his helmet.

_Planet Chibis. I called this place home once, long before neevils stalked the caverns below. Now I shall-_

Salami Amok's monologuing was interrupted by a loud explosion from behind him in the cavern. He spun around quickly, tripped over his feet and found himself lying on his chest. An enormous rock crashed overhead, bounced down from the ledge he'd left 5 seconds ago and dropped towards him, catching in the sides of the tunnel 5 inches from crushing every bone in the bounty hunters body.

Salami Amok slid out from under the rock and looked at it. Dead fungus wreathed it and a large burn in its underside showed where it had been hit by laser-fire.

"Wolves!" Gasped the bounty hunter. "They're after me already!"

The rock gave an ominous creak and Salami Amok decided to make a hasty exit. The only way from there was forward… Well, downwards, it's the same thing in these situations.

> > > >

"Forward" (or downwards) led the Bounty Hunter to a long, empty lift shaft, completely devoid of lifts. Salami peered down it. The bottom was masked in shadow; the shaft could have gone down and down to the centre of the planet.

As Salami Amok found out a minute later after loosing his balance and falling into the depths below, it, in fact, didn't.

**Brisket**

Salami crashed, head first, through a pile of loose rocks and landed upside down in the centre of an ancient Bozo shrine to the goddess of Beef. After a few seconds in which his brain (which had stayed at the top of the shaft to make sure he hadn't forgotten anything) raced down the shaft to catch up with the heaped form of Salami Amok, the bounty hunter pushed himself to his feet and looked around, to find himself surrounded by Neevils, large, insect-like animals that eat shoe-leather.

Salami yelped and fired a few random shots at the Neevils, hitting none of them.

It's a known fact that Neevils don't have noses and the usually more-than effective shots from the Pwaor beam had very little effect on the shoe-eating insects. Salami leapt desperately up onto the top of the shrine as the Neevils gathered below and began chewing on his shoes.

Looking around hopelessly, Salami was surprised to see a flashing neon sign baring the legend "Get Your Upgrades Here". Salami leapt valiantly off the shrine towards the sign and crash-landed on top of a pile of rather surprised looking shoe-eaters. Jumping off them, Salami ran quickly towards the sign, tumbled down a short slope and found himself in front of a dusty vending machine.

Salami's eyes raced down the list of products in the machine (not literally, that'd be gross).

Flaming glory beam, Uber-missiles, Mega-bombs, Summersault of destruction.

Salami Amok pulled out a Galactic Dollar, pushed it into the machine and slammed the button for the Flaming glory beam. For a few seconds nothing happened except the neevils formed themselves into a giant hand and prepared to pounce. For another few seconds nothing happened, and then Salami Amok kicked the machine. This had little effect, until Salami noticed the small, laminated sign taped above the coin-reject slot.

"Products with a red light are out of stock."

The four top weapons all bore a red light. Salami slammed the fifth button without even waiting to read it and almost immediately a small blue gumball like object popped out of the machine, beside 20 cents change. Salami pulled open a small drawer on one of his excessively huge shoulders and placed the ball inside. The drawer snapped closed and instantly a short jingle played in his ears and words appeared in front of his eyes:

"Mothball upgrade has been integrated. Crouch down and place your head between your legs to activate."

Not one to disobey orders, Salami obeyed and suddenly sections of metal slid around him, shutting him in a small metal ball coated in brown powder.

At the same second the neevils leapt on him. Those that touched him screeched and staggered away. More fell on him and suffered a similar fait. Eventually they all got the message and tottered away. Salami Amok grinned to himself and rolled down the passage, rocking erratically and bashing into walls as he went.

> > > >

As long as he stayed in the Mothball form, the neevils kept their distance. The occasional young hero made a leap at him, but staggered off as soon as they made contact. Five minutes later found Salami climbing up platforms in a vertical shaft with a disappointed crowd of neevils watching him hungrily from below.

One or two tried to look on the bright side. "They weren't much good you know, his shoes. Not enough leather, too much metal, if you know what I mean."

"Oh, he'll be back, he'll be one o' them bounty hunters won' 'e? Well if 'e plans on fightin' ole' lungy 'e'll 'ave to come back down 'ere first."

And so nursing minor injuries and damaged pride, the neevils wondered back to their homes for a cup of tea and a sit down.

> > > >

Salami, meanwhile, was a good way up the tunnel and beginning to get bored of jumping from rock to rock. So when he spotted a small gap in the wall he leapt towards it, re-Mothball-ified himself and rolled towards it. Only missing the entrance and hitting the wall once, he slipped inside the tube and rolled along the passage, humming to himself, completely oblivious to the large, viscous-looking animals diving off the roof towards him.

At the end of the passage he found an energy door. Standing up out of Mothball form, he raised the Pwaor beam and fired at the door, which reacted in much the same way as the previous one, choking and short-circuiting. Salami stepped through the door as the noxious cloud drifted backwards over the creatures, which had previously been extending long tentacle-like limbs towards Amok's legs, but now fell back, choking and gasping for air.

Salami entered the room beyond the door and gasped. The room was empty except for a single statue of a crouching Bozo holding out its hand. In its hand was a box wrapped in red paper with pictures of balloons on it.

Amok approached the statue slowly and a slow but powerful voice spoke in his head: **((Welcome back young fledgling. Accept this gift from your** **forefathers.))** Salami took the package with some trepidation, and then ripped off the paper covering it. Inside was a cardboard box, which he tugged open one-handed, and pulled out a large metal object covered in bubble-wrap.

"Long beam upgrade has been integrated. Fire really powerful shots with this beam."

Two minutes later Salami Amok stumbled out of the room, lugging a four-metre long and excessively heavy Pwaor Beam behind him.

Ah well, perhaps he'd give this one a miss. He unclipped the last three-and-a-half metres of the beam, let it drop to the ground and ran out of the room.

_Now I shall finally tell the full story of my first battle there, my so called "Odd Job"…_

* * *

And so the epic continues. You should be very proud of my quick response, that's easily my quickest update on any of my stories here and elsewhere since Christmas. 


	4. Chapter 3

Sorry this took so long. But I liked it anyway. Never bothered to read through it, so please ignore any glaring mistakes. And if your name is Frederic Grant, take it as a compliment.

* * *

Chapter 3, In Which Our Hero Faces the Terrible Guardians of Brisket.

Ten minutes after dumping the Long Beam Salami Amok emerged from a trapdoor in the floor of a long passage where puddles of acid formed from drips in the ceiling. Heading forwards down the passage and jumping over bubbling brown puddles, he blasted his way through an energy door and found himself face to face with three eyes (just like the word infinity hahaha) and an enormous wide, flat beak-like mouth, currently closed. With a loud "Eep", Salami leapt back towards the door he'd come through before realising the head was carved entirely from stone with dull purple gems set in place of the head's three eyes.

Mentally kicking himself Salami shot at the head a few times before realising he was having very little effect, and turning round and heading back out the door.

He didn't notice the door behind him lock as he stepped through it. Nor did he notice the trapdoor he'd emerged from had had a large, heavy piece of metal slide over it, covering it completely.

He did, however notice the fact that the only other exit from the passage: the door he'd come in by, was locked. With a sigh, he turned around to head back the way he'd come. 8 steps back down the passage (he counted himself) the noise of cracking rock froze him in his tracks. 4 seconds later the noise of approximately 6 tons of rock, rubble and more rock crashing to the ground after falling from the ceiling made him spin round, trip over his own feet, land on his face, jump to his feet and stare wide… visored… into the cloud of dust that was billowing around the wreckage of the rock that had fallen from the ceiling.

A loud coughing sound followed and a course furred, four legged creature with a horn on either side of its head, a tail on its rump that swished constantly at non-existent flies and short white fur with large black spots stumbled out of the cloud, walking on all fours and choking up several pints of dust and saliva.

Salami Amok looked on in surprise, before daring to ask, "Are you ok?"

The creature, despite having no arms or hands, somehow managed to wave him off. "Gimme a sec," It rasped, through multitudes of choking.

Salami stood patiently as it hacked the last 2 pints of dust out of its lungs before raising a two-toed hoof to its mouth, scraping off a piece of chewing gum into its mouth from its hoof with a large, slobbery tongue and peering at him with damp, stupid looking eyes. "Sorry about that, I never get those entrances right. Eighteen years in the business and you'd think I'd of got the hang of it by now… But anyway, I'm drifting." The animal straightened its legs and tried to look imposing. "Right, I'm the, uh, first of the two terrible guardians of Brisket and if you wanna continue your journey, you gotta get through me first! Or something like that, I can never remember the exact script they give me. You understand, one day you're keeping the slaves in the tree mines from escaping, next you're making sure no one breaks into the vending machines at the gym. The job varies so much it's a wonder I remember how many hours there are in the day." In fact, considering that every planet in the known galaxy has a different number of hours in the day was no easy feat, and the fact that the creature managed it showed a good skill and memory, especially as he spent most of his working hours in a tiny cubby hole in the ceiling hoping someone would come along and break the rules so he could pop out and challenge them.

However, none of these thoughts were going through Salami Amok's head right then (or ever did afterwards, in case you're interested). Instead he was trying to make sense of what the creature was trying to tell him.

Despite the fact the bounty hunter's face was completely hidden behind his visor, the creature seemed to recognise his confusion. "Sorry mate," it apologised, "I started rambling again, happens all the time, I never get no one to talk to on me job so I likes to ave a chat with the victims before I kill em, stops-"

That was simple enough for Amok to understand, "Kill them? You want to kill me?"

"Don't want to really mate, but it's all I get paid for these days. Me mother always told me, 'work harder in school or you'll end up as some idiot who sits in the dark and kills people as they walk past' and I never listened and now I regret it. Still, I made my mistakes and now I pay for em, someone's gotta do the unpleasant jobs: might as well be me. So if you don't mind we'll get on with it."

"Hang on, I don't want to be killed!" Salami was a little nauseous at the thought.

"Oh, you gonna be one of them awkward ones that puts up a fight are ya? Ah well, makes the job more interesting I guess. Let's get on then?"

Salami stepped back in surprise and fear as the animal lowered its head, complete with horns, pawed the ground with one of its front hoofs, snorted another mouthful of dust out of its nose, stumbled over in a delayed coughing fit, stood up again, lowered its horns again, pawed the ground and snorted again and charged. By now, Salami was shooting desperately at the locked energy door and had already formed a large green-tinged cloud around the door. As the creature charged into it, it started coughing more violently before loosing consciousness and keeling over onto its side. However, Salami wasn't bothered by this, as in the moment it lost consciousness the lock on the door had opened and it had short-fused open, releasing the bounty hunter into the shaft he'd been climbing earlier. Running blindly out of the room he'd just left he suddenly found himself stepping off the edge of the ledge he'd emerged onto and into mid air before tumbling down the shaft towards the sizable community of neevils below.

Fortunately there were several ledges of rock between him and the neevils so he didn't fall far, but landed uncomfortably on a platform a few metres below. After picking himself up he looked around and decided the only way other than back the way he'd come, was down…

How he missed the gaping passage just above his head is beyond me, but it didn't lead anywhere useful (unless you really like chicken curry, which Salami didn't) so it didn't really matter that much.

> > > >

A short while later Salami Amok found a narrow passage leading to an equally narrow energy door which in turn lead to an equally narrow metal passage with another narrow energy door at the other end. However, to break the trend, the passage widened out beyond this and he found himself in a vertical shaft much like the one he'd just left, stretching up and down into darkness. Opposite him was a brightly coloured security energy door which, he eventually worked out, was too secure to give in to the effects of the Pwoar Beam. It would take something considerably more explosive to open that door.

After a few seconds of consideration, Salami decided to go down the shaft, as if he tripped and fell again it wouldn't be quite so far to the ground. As Salami climbed down some very small parasitic Bondals noted his heat signature and leapt onto him, latching their disproportionately large mandibles onto his suit and sucked, hoping to drain the energy from the recipient. If they'd actually grabbed onto Salami himself he might have noticed. As they actually latched onto his suit, however, he was not only unharmed but didn't even notice them. When he reached the floor of the shaft and shot at the energy door beyond the cloud of gas emitted from his weapon drifted back over him and choked the Bondals into letting go, dropping to the floor of the shaft and gathering together to plan their next attack on the neevil community next door. Who needed bounty hunters when you could have shoe eaters?

> > > >

Salami was slightly nervous when the walls of the passage he now found himself in began to tremble. Nervous to the point that he ran screaming like a lunatic until he made a complete ass of himself by falling into a shallow pit of lava. Seconds later he leapt out, stopped, dropped and rolled on the floor for several minutes. Eventually re realised he wasn't actually on fire and stood up to get his bearings. The passage had now stopped trembling and standing on a Bozo pedestal dedicated to their famous Goddess of Beef in the middle of the lava pit he'd just fallen into was a small glass tank containing what looked like a missile with antlers. A quick jump, a grab and an upgrade absorb later and,

"Moosile upgrade integrated, blow stuff up in rustic style with this weapon."

A quick scan revealed the Moosiles to simply be missiles with antlers which automatically absorbed a virus-free sound box into the Pwoar Beam so it let out a mooing sound when fired.

Thinking deeply about the ancient and mystical culture of the Bozo Race, Salami was oblivious to all else, including the walls beginning to tremble for a second time. And the huge stone-skinned monster bursting out of the walls looking very much like a huger version of the creature Salami had conquered earlier in this chapter, except for being coated in rock and having one evil-looking eye. And the fact that this monster was snorting and glaring at him in a very threatening way.

When, however, this monster leapt at him, entrapped him in its huge mouth and swallowed him whole, he noticed.

Fortunately the monster decided it didn't like the feeling of Salami emptying his rather limited Moosile supply onto the insides of its stomach, and threw him up again. Salami opened his eyes to find himself covered in stomach-goo, completely out of Moosiles, suit shields unnervingly low and a very angry looking, stone skinned Cyclops-cow looking very angry and giving him the evil eye (a thing it prided itself on).

Salami eeped once again and wondered if this would look bad if he attempted to file a life insurance form via com-link within the next 15 seconds.

The monster continued to glare at him as it lowered its head, tensed its muscles like springs, scraped a foot on the ground, snorted and prepared to charge.

Salami continued to tremble inside his suit as he looked around for some sort of escape route, fiddled with his gun, began to panic, continued to panic and prepared to die.

The monster burped, spitting out a few metal objects, each with a pair of antlers.

Salami began to cry, hoping death wouldn't be too painful.

A quiet, calm voice in his head announced, _Use the force…_ before the continuing, _Oh,_ s_orry, wrong story…_

Salami sighed, knowing it was too good to be true, before looking hopelessly round the room again. At that moment the creature began to charge towards him and Salami crouched down, put his head between his knees and continued to sob pathetically..

Much to his surprise, sections of metal casing appeared, sliding over his body and catching him in a small metal ball as the monster, looking rather confused, charged right over him and stopped with Salami still under it's low chest. Salami, rolled nervously away from the beast's head towards its back two legs where he found several metal cylinders each with a pair of antlers. Switching out of Mothball form he stared in amazement and glee at the Moosiles strewn around him. Snatching up as many as he could hold, he leapt out from under the monster, ka-klicked his Pwoar Beam onto Moosile mode, yanked the beast's tail to get its attention and prepared to battle.

:The Author would like to apologise for the inexcusable use of a bad Starwars joke in the preceding chapter. We do not own or have permission to use the Force, or bad humour. Please excuse us and get on with your lives. Alternatively you could sue us, kick us about and generally be nasty and unsupporting. Frederic Grant, employee for Talps productions, would like to set an example by following the first option:

* * *

Review! And forgive! 


	5. Chapter 4

Finally back and very shocked at how long its actually been since I last updated. Sorry about that. Anyway, I thought I should point out, purely for the record, that I have actually never read any of the Hitchhiker's Guide books, nor seen the films, so this is in no way a copy of that.

Unless goodwill really gets to me you may have to consider this your Christmas chapter, in which case… Merry Christmas!

Finally, I think this chapter is actually very funny, so reply and let me know if you agree. So in light of that, I present to you…

Chapter 3, In Which Our Hero Battles for survival in the Continuation of his Quest.

Now the great guardian of Brisket was not one known for tolerance. To call him tolerant would be like calling Hitler tolerant. If tolerance prevented the 8th world war then this guy started the 9th, 10th and 12th. (The 11th world war was prevented due to a lack of funds, as an oppose to intolerance, so the guardian would have had nothing to do with it).

You couldn't really blame him though, as he'd been walled up by Bozo's several years earlier and then poked and prodded by the space parrots who'd discovered him who then decided not to free him.

Now the Great Guardian of Brisket was known for having several pet hates. One of these was having his tail pulled. Another was chewing gum and another was people who smelt of over-cooked vegetables.

Putting the latter two aside, Salami Amok had left himself in a rather dangerous position when he'd tugged the beast by its tail and then stood tactfully behind its right back leg.

If there was one thing the beast prided itself on it was being a hard kicker. Its kicks made David Beckham look like a one-legged 5-year-old. It could kick through solid rock (so why it had allowed itself to stay blocked in a cubby hole for 38 years was up for debate. Possibly it had a strong sense of duty.) It could kick _a person_ through solid rock.

Which was why Salami Amok was in a lot more danger than he realised.

Fortunately for the bounty hunter, the beast was not that intelligent. Calling it intelligent would be like calling George Bush intelligent. It would be like calling Tony Blair intelligent. It would be like calling Salami Amok intelligent. Also fortunately for the unfortunate bounty hunter, the beast had not learnt its left from its right. So when its eye said, "He's behind your right leg," His head said, which one's the right leg?" And his eye said, "Hurry up before he moves!" And his leg said, "Wrong leg idiot, he's behind the other one," And his eye said, "It's too late now, he's moved," And his head said, "Damn. I'll turn around so I can get a better look."

This was just what the slightly befuddled bounty hunter was hoping for as he armed his beam with a satisfying 'click' and fired all five of his moosiles wildly at the beast's face. Four of which hit it's rocky skin and bouncing harmlessly away. The fifth went down its throat as it roared in rage, making it choke and forcing it to perform the Heimlich Manoeuvre on itself while Salami reloaded his weapons with the Moosiles now lying on the floor which had fortunately not detonated as the horns cushioned the explosive heads.

When the beast recovered Salami Amok was ready. By ready I of course mean he had his weapon aimed vaguely in the beast's direction loaded with all he could find and standing in a steady stance with his feet apart. Which I suppose is actually pretty ready when it comes to it. So there's really nothing else to say. I should probably end this paragraph now because I'm embarrassing myself…

Anyway, Salami shot wildly again and this time, with a little more luck (but no added fortune) one of the Moosiles struck the centre of the beast's one large eye as it bent to charge. And due to the particular shape of the eye in question, it actually went off (huzzah and jubilations!) The beast stumbled back, looked rather dazed, and then, with tears flooding from its eye, screamed in pain and self pity. Had Amok been able to translate the language of Uber-Cycow, he could have recognised the beast as saying, "WHADDID YOU GO AND DO THAT FOR? WADDID I DO?" However, as Salami was unable to speak the language of Uber-Cycow, what he perceived was one of the most terrifying sights of his life so far (he was in for a long trip).

The cow, sobbing like a little girl, or possibly a rejected writer, turned and ran, its tail not quite between its legs as this would have been hard to manage when running, but making a pretty decent job of it, back into the hole in the wall behind him. Salami, feeling no impulse to follow, turned and ran out of the door to the Bondals' shaft, which had blessedly opened at the escape of the guardian.

VVVVVVV

Running wildly into a shaft full of energy sucking parasites with very little energy left in his suit and no Moosiles left in his gun could have put Salami Amok into a rather dangerous situation. However, as observed in the previous chapter, the bounty hunter's Bozo-built power suit was completely unaffected by the normally terrible power of the Bondals. Equally fortunate was that the Bondals were all out, having gone to pester the Neevils next door.

The weakened Bounty Hunter climbed slowly up the shaft, wondering what his mother would think of him if she could see him now. Then he remembered he'd only known his mother for the first short few years of his conscious life, and sniffed forlornly, somehow misting up the visor of his power suit in doing so.

After waiting a few minutes for the mist to clear, Salami continued on his ascension until he found a small pile of inexplicably damp Moosiles lying on a ledge for no reason other than that it makes things easier for me. Reloading quickly he continued on his way until he reached the door that he'd first entered this shaft by. If you remember, there was a door opposite the entrance that he had failed to open using the regular Pwoar Beam but now, in an unusual and somewhat surprising burst of insight, Salami found that, when shot with a Moosile it proved much more agreeable. The antlers of the Moosile sunk through the energy from which the door was constructed, allowing the explosive head to touch it and explode. The door burst open and a flock of creepy bats flew out. Feeling slightly uneasy, Salami Amok stepped through. The door closed behind him. Fortunately it didn't slam, or else the bounty hunter might have been rather scared. As it was, in his usual fashion of being totally oblivious to most of what was happening around him, he didn't notice and continued along his way.

VVVVVV

Salami Amok headed down the passage, hopping cheerfully over brown pools of acid as Bondals rained down from the ceiling towards him with dismal timing, often landing in the acid where they floated around serenely, thrashing and shrieking in agony.

After some time Salami was taken completely by surprise by a swarm of Omgars, flying, hive-dwelling creatures that were a popular pizza topping on many planets, flew down out of a crevice on the ceiling and began putting teeth-marks in his helmet. Running around, waving his arms and screaming at the top of his lungs, Salami managed to bash into a wall which dislodged most of the creatures and left him sprawled on his back on the floor where he stayed and picked off the winged beasts zipping around above his head. A direct hit from the Pwoar beam was enough to send them teetering to the floor, the life literally choked from their bodies, and after 8, maybe 9 minutes, Salami was able to stand back up.

Despite this victory, Salami was in a bad shape. His shields, already drained from his brief trip into the stomach of Brisket's second guardian, were now almost non-existent. Loud sirens were echoing from his armpits and every step of his suit was like moving an object almost half the suits weight!

It may be a good time to mention that the only thing holding the suit together was its shields and once they were gone, a single hit from anything so much as an arrogant and rather stupid seagull would be enough to make it fall apart, exposing the bounty hunter to whatever dangers existed outside.

On a lighter note, the suit was designed to draw energy from that of defeated foes and even as Salami stood, a miniscule amount of energy was drawn into the shields of the suit, boosting the bounty hunter's morale by a worrying amount and at least shutting up those sirens. But to fully restore the amount of energy the shields of the power suit had lost it would take almost ten times what he had just restored.

Skipping cheerfully down the passage Salami suddenly found himself in an Omgar breeding ground, where three Omgar Hives stood, stretching from ceiling to floor, which, any Omgar-farmer could estimate, contains about 10 times the number of creatures as Salami had just defeated.

With all the subtlety of a brick (I might have used that phrase before actually, sorry) Salami began firing madly at the nearest hive, disturbing all the Omgars within, who wished that they hadn't sealed all the passages in and out of the hive with tiny doors, each with an even tinier sign reading 'Do not disturb'. When the Hive had taken all the choking punishment it could stand (which was actually quite a lot, considering it was inorganic) it collapsed, crushing all the Omgars inside and releasing their ample amount of energy into the air of the cavern.

And so it was that Salami Amok stepped into the passage beyond with shields filled to maximum, Moosile stores all but filled and a great deal of confidence as the walls once more began to tremble.

VVVVVV

Not even the Bozos had realised that their second and greater guardian of Brisket, after a very long period of sitting around in the dark with nothing to do, had begun to dig passages deep with in the very rock that made up the planet (which, in fact, was nothing special but quite a trendy thing to do at the time.)

Following its disastrous confrontation with the bounty hunter, the beast had immediately set to work, moving swiftly and dangerously through its maze of caverns till it came to a large room where it had sat on its backside and felt sorry for itself. Then, finally recovering some of its pride, had set off after the hunter.

Being too polite to disturb the Omgars in their mating Hives, it had moved into the passage beyond and waited patiently for at least an hour, before wondering off to get lunch, and then returning to wait for the Bounty Hunter to arrive.

Suddenly realising that the hunter had already past, the beast had yelped and chased after him and then readied itself to burst out of the wall and crush the pathetic hunter once and for all.

Man, he needed to get out more.

VVVVVVV

Salami Amok yelped as the Uber-Cycow burst out of the wall mere metres from him. After taking the best part of 10 seconds to regain his wits, he began firing desperately at the creature's eye with his Moosiles, managing to waste all his ammo once again. The bounty hunter crouched, more than ready to turn to Mothball form and retrieve his ammo when the beast , who had thought about this over his lunch, grinned sadistically and casually stepped on the fallen weapons, crushing them beneath an enormous hoof as Salami Amok watched on in horror.

As it was crushed, one of the Moosiles detonated and exploded.

With a cry of surprise, the beast leapt backwards, hitting the stone wall of the cavern hard, shaking the chamber and causing huge cracks to spread up the wall for some reason.

The beast, hearing the cracking above his head, chose that moment to look up in time for a large number of stalagmites… no, hang on, _stalactites_, to come raining down towards its upturned face. As several pointy rocks showered on the creature's eye, it bellowed in agony, panicked and charged around desperately, dislodging more rocks from the ceiling. A particularly huge example came crashing down, landed on the back of the beast and crushed it.

Several minutes later a petrified bounty hunter stuck his head out from behind a rock and ever so slowly took in the scene. The head slowly disappeared behind its rock. Ten seconds later, Salami Amok swaggered coolly out from behind the rock and went over to examine the vanquished beast.

With a last gurgle of life echoing from its stomach, up its windpipe and out its mouth, a large, glowing round object was burped up and clattered to the floor.

Maybe three minutes later, Salami Amok slinked back out from behind his rock and tentatively approached the object now lying on the floor. As he reached out for it, it disappeared, absorbed by his suit. A familiar jingle played in his ears and a message flashed across his visor:

"Charge Beam integrated: Distract foes with charged shots from this beam. Summersault with charged beam to increase effect."

The bounty hunter was about to test his new upgrade when he spotted a small object lying in the rubble on the back of the guardian. He scrambled towards it and pulled a conveniently undamaged glass and metal object from the container. On it was a small label reading, "Dear Abzengarnatakelless, Happy Birthday year 63H905F, Love Ormaggellenafendaf."

Salami Amok paused, bowing his head in silent respect for the undelivered present and the Bozo who had never received it. Then, looking around to make sure no one was watching, tore open the pod and grabbed the item inside.

"Moosile tank obtained, Moosile capacity increased."

With a pleased grin, Salami through the pod away and continued on his way through the chambers of Brisket.

* * *

And so he gains another upgrade. I'll leave you guessing about what that one does till I update again which should hopefully be swifter than this one. 

Viva le Reply! (I don't speak French any better than Salami Amok speaks Uber-Cycow).

It's getting harder and harder to find a page break that doesn't disappear when you edit.


	6. Chapter 5

Happy new year to you all! Great to get so many reviews off new people, not sure what one or two of them were trying to say but anyway, it's the thought that counts. I got a copy of Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy fro Christmas so as soon as I pry it off my sister and finish this book my English teacher wants me to read I'll be able to find out exactly how much I've been unintentionally copying it.

We have a brand new chapter waiting to see the light of day and I'm rather pleased with it myself. Hope the end doesn't bother anyone; let me know what you think.

On with the show!

* * *

Chapter 4, In Which Our Hero Descends into the Depths of Chibis and a Sinister Spy is Revealed. 

Continuing on his journey beyond the carcass of the Uber-Cycow which was already swarming with confused bondals to whom the beast's rock skin was proving its worth, Salami Amok shortly arrived at another shrine dedicated to the Bozo goddess of Beef, Elvera, on which sat a wide metal object with a big E printed on it, surprisingly enough in a human language, and not the federation language either but an actual ancient language of Earth, and a bowl of fungus which may have once contained meat of some kind (possibly veal). After a few seconds though, Salami Amok gently removed the bowl from the altar and picked up the metal object which immediately disappeared as a message flashed across his visor:

"Energy tank obtained, Energy Capacity refilled and increased."

Singing happily to himself, ("We've been sent, to a lost and lonely part of town…") Salami trotted down the corridor and through the energy door at the end.

Salami Amok found himself standing near the bottom of yet another long, vertical shaft, with a pack of neevils looking up at him and licking mandibles, slobbering over each other and generally making other actions often observed by psychologists to be reactions to seeing an easy and naïve meal standing nearby oblivious to being targeted as lunch or possibly breakfast or dinner. Or afternoon tea.

For what the bright-as-a-burnt-out-black-light bounty hunter didn't recognise was that these were no ordinary neevils. These were nature's hand-selected, state of the art, cream of the crop, top of the food-chain wall climbing super athletic master neevils.

Already a pack of them were lowering themselves from their hiding places above towards the oblivious hunter in order to chase him down to the family waiting below.

Seconds before they pulled off the attack, Salami Amok leapt up towards a door a few metres above him past the swarm of hunter-shoe eaters, shot a Moosile at the door in question and disappeared.

The neevils below shouted angrily at the neevils above for being too slow, who in turn shouted at the neevils below about not giving the signal early enough. This carried on for several minutes before a particularly old, wise and well-travelled neevil called a halt to the argument and pointed out that the only way out of the room the meal had entered was back the way it had come. Sniggering and laughing menacingly, a large number of neevils below climbed up, along with the hunters, and formed a short arched passage around the door with a living portcullis at either side, ready and waiting to drop down as soon as the meal returned.

VVVVVV

As the neevils plotted his doom outside, Salami Amok found himself in a room with the statue of an elderly Bozo on a raised platform with a swarm of bondals bouncing about below it. The statue was holding out its hand which contained another wrapped object. As Salami gazed at it in awe, a deep, ancient voice echoed in his head **((Congratulations, you are the 10,000th visitor to this room. Please collect your prize.))**

With the look of one who has no idea what was going on, Salami Amok stepped forwards and tenderly picked the gift-wrapped item out of the statue's hand. As he pulled it open the jingle once again played in his ears.

"Moth Bombs have been integrated. Place in Mothball form to protect your clothes and fabrics from pests."

As the Bounty Hunter thought that one over, the statues voice once again echoed throughout his head, **((Well done Fledgling. Now it is time for you to prove your worth. These bondals have been bothering me for years. They never touch me but they won't stop squeaking and every so often they lead the neevils in here and they _are_ a problem…))**

To the bounty hunter slaughtering bondals was hardly what he saw as a constructive use of time (what he saw as a constructive use of time is undeterminable) and he wasn't sure he liked this particular chronologically gifted bozo, so he said timidly, "S-sorry, but I'm in a-a bit a, uh, a hurry, and-"

**( (DO IT, IMPUDENT BRAT!) )**For an unmoving statue the bozo did a pretty good job of looming and being threatening. To really purvey the power behind that single statement I would have to set the page on fire and draw a big explosion around it. It may also be necessary to print those few words in white with a black background and we might almost make the impact. Some of those Spanish upside down exclamation marks might come in handy too.

The bounty hunter seemed to gape like a fish out of water (an impressive feat when your face was shielded by a green visor) and quickly curled into the Mothball.

He teetered erratically towards the preoccupied bondals and rolled into the middle of their bunch. A couple touched the powdery sides of the ball and leapt away writhing and inexplicably burning up into a few specs of ash which drifted away on a non-existent breeze. The rest of the bondals, being rather intelligent beings (if anything just to make up for the Bozos' short-fallings) seemed to get the message and scattered away from the unsteady ball.

Salami Amok trundled around, trying in vain to run himself into the panicky bondals, all the while feeling suspiciously that the statue was laughing at him. Well, he'd show him!

With renewed vigour, Salami resumed his attack on the insects with dismal results. Eventually, after watching his struggles for at least 12 minutes and beginning to radiate an oppressive sense of boredom around the room and onto the hunter-neevils outside the door, the statue spoke up. **((Use the bombs you idiot.))**

Salami Amok would have liked to have told him he didn't need his help. He would have liked to have ignored his advice and conquered anyway. He would have liked to have thought up his own master plan and defeated the bondals on his own terms, preferably with a very long speech about freedom and the greater good. He would have liked to have been sitting in an armchair in a house on some sparsely populated world with his feet up, reading his glossary of mushrooms and surrounded by lumps of exotic cheese.

Still, we can't have everything in life so the bounty hunter glared at the statue (not that it noticed when Salami was in Mothball form) and began rolling around, planting bombs everywhere which sprayed the brown powder around the room when they exploded and with 29 seconds the bondals were finished. Ashes to ashes.

Despite not being able to move, the statue looked smug. **((There, that wasn't so hard was it?))** Salami Amok snorted and headed towards the door. As an afterthought the statue called after him, **((Oh, and before you go and get yourself lost, if you head to the room where you first collected your Moosiles you will find that now you have the Moth Bombs the way onwards will be opened to you.))**

Had Salami's upbringing not been so sheltered, his response would have left his grandma turning in her grave. As it was he did his best to look like he was ignoring the statue and decided that, even if he had to go the way suggested, he would take his time doing that. That'd show the statue.

VVVVVV

The neevils had been lying around gossiping and drinking tea when they heard the hatch open. Within seconds they were back in position, forming a living tunnel around the door, ready to swing down and trap the meal as he left. By this point he had already passed them and was about to leave their tunnel altogether and the neevils down below were hissing at them angrily. As one, the tunnel leapt, crashing towards the meal with a war cry that would have scared Lord Ridley were he not in an alternative world where bounty hunters were competent and statues didn't talk.

Salami Amok had been idly charging his beam as he'd entered the room, trying to stall for time. As he heard the cry he spun round and managed not to trip over this time. As instinct he raised his beam and fired wildly, missing the neevils out of habit and sending a white and blue and green burst from the weapon crashing against the opposite wall with a rustling sound.

Before the bounty hunter could react he was swarming with neevils who were desperately tugging at his feet until anyone watching would have applauded the resilience of his ankles. Suddenly, a young and easily bored neevil on the outside of the bunch turned round and yelled in surprise, "Hey, look at that!"

As one the body of neevils turned from Salami Amok to follow the youngster's gaze. Heaped against the far wall where Salami's beam had struck and fluttering slowly to the ground was a mass of bank notes. As the neevils leapt greedily to grab the falling pounds, dollars, credits, yen, euros, francs, denarii, so on and so forth, Salami climbed to his feet and gazed in wonder at the bizarre ways of the Charge Beam and its Bozo creators. As he left the room and the fighting neevils behind him, he wondered deeply where such a large amount of money had appeared from.

VVVVVV

Many miles away Gen. Eric Bloke of the galactic police was surprised and very angry to find that 4500 galactic credits had mysteriously disappeared from his bank account.

It turned out, some days later, that this in fact had nothing to do with the quest of Salami Amok or the Charge Beam but that General Eric's son had crashed his father's space ship while joy riding it with some friends around the asteroid belt and had tactlessly used his father's credit card to replace it and had even left the price label on the windscreen. Therefore the only reason I've added this cautionary tale onto the story is to warn people: trust no one… except me, obviously.

VVVVVV

A slow, self-absorbed trudge later brought Salami Amok to the shrine where he had retrieved his first Moosile tank. Beyond was a narrow tunnel blocked half way along by a block of something or other that went flying everywhere with a sticky splat when a Moth Bomb went off beside it. Salami continued onwards over pits of familiar brown acid and other rancid-smelling blocks that splattered everywhere at the blast of a Moth Bomb. Salami eventually grew tired of blowing them up and, deciding by now he was past the point that the statue had directed him to, decided to get on with it and stood up and made his way onwards. A quick blast of the Pwoar Beam to get through a hatch, Salami Amok found himself standing at the top of a long, deep lift leading into the vast bowels of the planet. The bounty hunter paused for effect, drew a deep breath from his oxygen recycler for the same reason, and stepped onto the lift, pressed the button for down and was carried dramatically down into the planet as he tried desperately to keep his balance on the jerky lift.

VVVVVV

The image of Salami Amok reflected off the pupil of an eye so deep black that it felt like a hole one could fall into and descend for miles into nothingness. The eye blinked and narrowed, and blinked again.

"This is boooring!" Trilled a high pitched voice. "Can't we switch to a film or something?"

The Space Parrot sitting before the huge form of the mother lung on a platform barely suspended above the bubbling green acid below sighed exasperatedly. Guns waved erratically but without firing above his head, security probes clattered down rails on the ceiling and other over-exuberant security mechanisms buzzed, winked or popped down at him. Several rows of TV screens were stacked on top of each other against a wall to the side of both the parrot and the evil over-lady.

This wasn't what he'd envisaged when he said he wanted to work with computers. "It's a _security camera_! It's not supposed to be interesting!" He'd wondered what everyone had been sniggering about.

"It was earlier, like when he thought that bull thing, and when the neevils were going for him by the vending machines!" Row upon row of TV screens now all showed the same image of the bounty hunter standing reasonably still as he descended on a lift. "Can't we rewind to the bit with the bondals by the statue?"

Knowing better than to growl, the parrot sighed. "We're supposed to be following his current movement, not going back to watch the highlights!"

Apart from the bases like to one where he and the Mother Lung now stood, the huge network of caves had only been explored once by the parrots that went to set up the security camera system. As most of them hadn't come back there were few volunteers to go out again. A few nights later someone stole a transport vessel and when they tried to make contact, all they heard was gleeful laughing and jeering replies to their messages until the ship went out of range. After that the only other expeditions into the caves had been to put Mother Lung's generals in place.

"But _nothing's happening_! What's he going to do in a lift?"

"_Mom-_"

"Don't you '_Mom_' me you ungrateful boy! Every day I'm out slaving my ass off for you," The Parrot noted bluntly that Mother Lung didn't, and never had had an ass to slave off. "Then I get back and all I do is, '_Mom_, do this' and '_Mom_, do that'! Well I've had enough! You try doing the work for a change. Get lost!"

"And where am I meant to go?"

"I don't know and frankly I don't care! Go check the power core or something."

"But you _are_ the power core!"

"Then go watch the surveillance monitors! I don't care; just get out of my sight!"

With a sigh, the space parrot left. Mother Lung eyed him carefully until he left (all Cyclopes eyed people). Once the hatch had closed behind him she waited a few seconds to make sure he wasn't coming back and reached, with a short, flexible tentacle, to the top of her tank where she pressed a button. The blue liquid in the tank slowly drained and a square panel in the front lifted outwards and then up. The huge organ reached down to the bottom of her tank with a tentacle where she reached under it and felt around until her tentacle found what she was looking for. It drew out a large cardboard box with the words 'Marlboro Strong' printed across the front with the words 'Warning, smoking kills' in unobtrusive letters below.

Mother Lung slowly and luxuriantly drew out an enormous, long white and brown cylinder of paper and poked the end between the 'lips' of the short tube that was generously referred to as her mouth. Slowly are carefully so as not to have it touch the acid, she slipped the box back under her tank and then pulled out a huge red plastic lighter, flicked it into life and lit the end of the enormous cigarette. Within seconds she'd turned an odd green colour and was coughing and choking like she was trying to force a train down her tube. Eventually the coughing subsided and she took a long draw from the nicotine-laden tube and released a blissful sigh as tar clogged up her insides.

This was the life. All she needed now were a few slaves fussing aimlessly and a nice, tortured sacrifice to be shot down screaming before her. She glanced at the surveillance screens which were now at the bottom of the lift. The bounty hunter was coming closer by the minute. And as for the slaves…

* * *

Lot of fun, that one. Tell me what you think! 

That's right, go click on the 'review' button below! You know you want to! Go on…


	7. Chapter 6

Going to have to add a few disclaimers. I don't own or have permission to use the wonderful works of Arthur Ransom, scenes from The Lost World or basically anything else that has a brief mention in this chapter and I think there are quite a few.

Anyway, enjoy.

* * *

Chapter 5, In Which our Hero Explores the Subterranean Gardens of Norfolk and Revisits the surface of Chibis.

**Norfolk**

The scenery into which Salami Amok descended would not have looked out of place on an advert for bread, a BBC documentary on the industrial revolution or a cheap Disney film on country life. Short, well grazed grass grew from the floor, dotted with carefully positioned rocks in an attempt to look natural. A dry stone wall ran across the cavern, trying to look like it had some importance, its gate (painstakingly marked with a wooden 'please close the gate' sign) left open, swinging in the gentle, air-conditioned breeze. Beyond this an unnecessarily long white-washed, two storey, thatch-roofed cottage ran from wall to wall, blocking the way to anyone unable to jump at least two storeys. The smooth rocky walls were adorned with paintings of hills, idyllic blue sky and white, attempted-fluffy clouds. The ceiling followed a similar decoration, topped off with a single, blazing overhead light which attempted to look like the sun and failed miserably. Fluffy animals in assorted shades of white, grey and black stood around the field, chewing the grass and occasionally omitting strange bleating noises that only people around before the great sheep-obliteration of 27H9 would have recognised.

And in the middle of this peaceful and entirely unthreatening scene the edgy bounty hunter who was the centre of our attention stepped off of the lift and peered around as if he expected the fluffy animals to sprout bloody fangs and leap at him.

They didn't.

Eventually the bounty hunter summoned up his courage and headed towards the cottage, closing the gate on his way past (which swung open of its own accord several seconds later (the Bozo's had a thing for realism). He tentatively banged the knocker on the solid oak door and raised his beam as if he expected a legion of space parrots to come bursting out. Two minutes later he chose a different tact and attempted to leap over the roof. His suited hands found the loose thatch pf the roof and after scrabbling for a hold for a good 2 seconds, he dropped back to the ground and landed in a heap on the doorstep.

The fluffy animals bleated. The overhead light flickered and went out for a few seconds before reappearing and a recorded voice announced, "Or, that bia b'g clahd." "Oh, that was a big cloud" as the ancient Bozo realism sensor attempted to explain away the glitch.

Salami Amok got to his feet and fired a few Moosiles at the door, walls and windows of the cottage. Realism finally failed and they remained undamaged. A nearby animal raised its fuzzy tail and a short sequence of dark, squidgy objects fell onto the grass behind it.

He looked around slightly hopelessly until he spotted a small passage leading out of the cavern on the other side of the lift. With a shrug, he headed towards it, closing the gate fruitlessly as he passed and walking across the grass to the mouth of the passage. A few metres in was a blue energy door which succumbed to a shot from the Pwoar Beam.

The Bounty Hunter stumbled through the door as was immediately attacked by seven badgers.

They clung viciously to his limbs, leaving Salami Amok unable to raise his cannon in defence. So, seeing no other choice, he continued on his way, dragging them along with him, three on his legs, two on his beam, one holding his other arm and one chewing the back of his helmet.

Walking through a field of knee-high grass and mud along the side of a sluggish river with seven badgers clinging valiantly on your limbs proved to be slow going, helped in no way by the chuckling ducks which Salami was unable to raise his cannon enough to shoot, and the occasional windmill.

Eventually, having had enough of the giggling of coots, he flung himself into the river. A minute or two later he crawled out again, straightened himself off and headed upon his way, leaving behind some irritated trout, a very confused heron and seven miserable badgers.

A few minutes later Salami Amok found himself walking past a small sailing boat with a red sail and the word 'Titmouse' painted on the side toddled past with two dummies inside of human boys, one wearing spectacles and another in a blue jumper, holding a pair of binoculars. As it passed the bounty hunter a tinny recorded voice announced, "Swing her right round toward the side where the sail is… I'll haul in the sheet…" The boat glided past.

A few minutes walk and the path led him under some trees where Salami Amok admired the greenery and in particular the moss growing on the bark. Suddenly catching a glimpse of something glittering in the sunlight above him, he looked up to see a Moosile tank hanging lopsided in the tree branches. He jumped, trying to get it, but couldn't reach it. After trying for a good few minutes he heard the noise that can only be attributed to a gang of soggy badgers walking through long grass, and he hurried on.

Eventually he found an energy door in what was apparently meant to be a cave mouth. The river ran away to the left and Salami Amok shot his way through, passed into a dark, mossy cave and, looking around, spotted the quiet glow of a lift above him, heading upwards this time. It may be important to mention here how something can glow quietly, but as the answer is long and complicated, I won't be bothering. Salami Amok leapt up to the lift and activated it, rising upwards through the rock of the planet.

**Cafeteria**

Salami Amok emerged through the floor of a tiny room stacked with empty crates which in brighter days long passed had contained fish fingers and sachets of tartar sauce. Two doors on opposite sides of the room stood closed, one wit the words, 'Staff Only' across the top. Salami obediently headed out of the other.

He found himself in a large rocky cavern. Around the edge ran a wide footpath and a pool of ominously still, oily water filled the cavern below. A dirty 'No Fishing' sign hung lopsided on a wall. To add effect, several grey, triangular and altogether menacing triangles drifted across the water below while the theme tune to 'Jaws' played quietly and ominously in the background from rusty speakers half-hidden behind rocks and in shallow hollows where they were in clear view to anyone who happened to lack the imagination necessary to not look for them.

He leant over to peer into the murky water below, balancing precariously on the edge, gripping onto a slippery rock to hold himself up.

I bet you think he's going to fall.

Well you're wrong, he's not.

However, a large and definitely shark-like creature that looked as if it hadn't eaten in a longer amount of time than was good for it did leap out of the water in a stunning display of hunger-fuelled aqua-batics and latched its sizable teeth onto the bounty hunter's head and dragged him down into the water.

There was a flurry of panic and flying bubbles and an ominous pool of blood and soggy paper rose to the surface, attracting the other skeletal fish. A second flurry of bubbles rose to the surface.

At this point the beautiful female love-interest and the childhood buddy of the drowning hero would look panicked and peered fruitlessly into the oily water as the circling sharks sliced the surface and caused miniature whirl-pools which, apart from looking pretty in a mocking sort of way, bore no purpose nor relevance to the epic battle going on below. However, Salami Amok had no such childhood buddy, nor beautiful love interest present and his only companion on the mission, his ship, was currently drowning its sorrows in a deep petrol-pump of plutonic waste near the bar of a shabby ship-park several light-years away.

So when the frothing of the water stopped there was no one to stare fearfully down as if that might actually help. As the seconds wore on to minutes there was no one to give the hero up for dead and amble slowly towards the door, crying freely or attempting to apply a brave face to the front of ones head respectively. And when Salami Amok burst above the surface on the opposite side of the pool for sheer narrative effect, gasping and choking despite the fact that his Power suit kept him dry and well-ventilated, there was no one to shriek with joy and come running round the edge of the pool to haul him out onto dry land where he could lie until he recovered and then to listen as he recounted the exciting and probably untrue story of how he injured one of the sharks and swam to safety while the others feasted ravenously on its stringy flesh.

It may be necessary to point out here that not all sharks engage in such activities as feasting on each others stringy flesh and that many sharks have perfectly nice flesh which isn't stringy at all and apparently tastes quite good in soup, though the government are attempting to prevent further research into this department of biology as there are precious few sharks left to test on at the time being.

Oh, and I guess not all sharks are cannibals, maybe. I dunno; go ask a scientist or something.

Anyway, as it was there was no one to help Salami Amok out of the pool of oily water and it proved to be rather difficult to do alone until he spotted a titanium bathing ladder stapled to the wall and quickly scrambled up it as the sharks began to home in on him once more. Then, clinging to the rocky wall and staying as far away from the edge as he possibly could, Salami Amok edged round the pool and paused to get his bearings. There were four exits from this room, starting with the way he came in by, then a yellow security door that he could tell just by looking would not so much as flicker at his mightiest of weapons, a hole high up in the roof complete with iron guard that let in a feeble amount of light and warmth to the cave, and a tiny passage high in the roof that only a high number of very accurate jumps and many quick and carefully timed movements into and out of Mothball would allow him to reach while all the while there was the terrible risk of falling back down into the pool.

Salami sighed. This was definitely not his day.

VVVVVV

One lighter side of falling back into the pool of sharks 24 times was that he found another Moosile Tank lodged behind a rock. However, when compared to all the tooth marks his suit retained and the number of sharks that were killed, both parties got thoroughly tired of the process very quickly, till the point where all the sharks got together to form a giant pinball machine and flip him up there while Salami Amok bounced from side to side in Mothball, screaming with terror and yelping as he was thrown into rocks by the sharks who it seemed had a worse aim than even he did.

But after an hour or so of flying about the cavern and getting repeatedly soaked, Salami Amok was eventually flung successfully into the hole where he whooped with joy and jumped about until he almost fell back down the hole and toddled along the passage rather quickly, and the sharks shook fins and congratulated each other on a job well done and went on to live happy lives until they all starved to death 2 weeks later.

VVVVVV

Now Salami found himself in a very cramped passage leading a short way ahead where a stone door with a picture of a beehive on it stood in the left wall. Finding himself unable to force or blast it open, Salami Amok continued on his way to where the passage suddenly narrowed out into a tiny chamber to make room for an energy door in the wall.

He blasted it open and found himself face to face with an ancient Bozo statue, claw outstretched and holding a gift-wrapped box. A tired voice from an age long passed penetrated his mind. **((Welcome Hatchling, you have arrived at last…))**

"Yes," Answered the bounty hunter.

There was an awkward pause. **((Well… I have been waiting for you…)) **The silence was penetrated by an uncomfortable quiet.** ((I have a gift for you… I hope you like it, took me ages to find it, being a statue and not moving and all…))**

This was the part Salami Amok had been waiting for. "Oh, great! Cheers." He carefully took the package and opened it. Inside was a metal ring inside a shiny box with ancient characters inscribed on the sides.

**((That goes on the end of your beam,))** The statue put in helpfully. Salami Amok screwed it on and a slightly warped jingle echoed around his ears.

"… Beam upgrade integra… Integrated… Beam… Upgrade… Upgrade integrated…"

A second voice sounding feminine and apologetic overrode the first.

"Upgrade incompatible with version 98 suit. Please upgrade to Millennium Addition or higher."

Salami Amok looked accusingly up at the statue. **((Well it's not my fault that you never bothered to upgrade your suit; it never cost that much… really.))**

Amok looked angry, "Well when I left the planet this was the best kind available."

**((Oh…))** The statue looked awkward. **((When was…?))**

"Eight years when I left to pursue my life as a bounty hunter. Everyone around was talking about, gone to pursue the quest laid before me they said, or something."

**((Oh… Well, sorry… Well you've got it now anyway, so if you… if you ever need it…))**

"And when would that be?" Questioned Amok angrily.

**((Well… If you're ever… I… LOOK, I DON'T KNOW, OK! EVERYONE MAKES MISTAKES! Ever since those parrots landed here with their space colony it's all been downhill! First the Bozos wander off and now the gift I got the hatchling is no good. I tell ya, I curse the day that the stolen Galactic Institution space station NE1 ER was crashed into this planet. It's all been-))**

"WHAT?" Amok's yelp interrupted the statue in its dooms-daying. It looked at him, almost quivering with surprise. "NE1 ER? Galactic Institution of Trade and Society space station NE1 ER?"

**((Yeah, apparently them parrots stole the station about 19 years back, flew it around till it ran out o' fuel and then crashed it here and took over Chibis. Now I knew someone from that station, who was it?))**

Salami was trembling with emotion. "I was told it was a technical failure…" His helmet was getting misted up again as he gave a small sob. "Space Parrots destroyed my… Killed my… And then they came here and took over the…"

**((Oh! It was you!))** Squawked the statue with all the subtlety of a boat running into a harbour at 120 MPH with a dinosaur in the cargo hold. **((That's right, they smashed into the station, killed everyone you knew and then left you for dead! See, I knew it was someone, it was…))** The Statue suddenly stopped, noticing Salami's reaction to its words. He was standing tall, the 'chin' of his suit stuck out, stance firm.

When he spoke he spoke with a voice full of wisdom and power. "And now the parrots that destroyed my home and killed my family and everyone I knew are here. On this planet." If he'd had a staff he would have ground it into the damp earth he stood on. As it was he just balled a metal-gloved fist. "Well then. I now make a solemn vow before the Bozo Gods and all those present," The statue glanced around the room, feeling that that comment was more powerful than was really necessary, "That I, Salami Amok, will destroy the Space Parrots on planet Chibis and all those affiliated with them! They will regret the day they destroyed Galactic Institution Space Colony NE1 ER! If it takes a lifetime I will hunt each one down and take my revenge. The name of Salami Amok will be one feared by Space Parrots on all worlds throughout the known galaxy! I am Hatchling no longer! From this day forth I will become known as Hunter, Warrior! No Parrot will stand up to the might of my wrath!"

**((Yeah, that's great and all, but…))** Salami Amok was already closing the energy door behind him, his chin stuck forward almost horizontally. **((I'll just open the door for you then.))** Called the statue to no one in particular. It sighed. **((Bloomin idiot. He'll be dead in a week if he keeps this up.))** The statue sighed once again and went back to what it had been doing before the Hatchling arrived. **((17,462 green bottles, sitting on a wall. 17,462 green bottles, sitting on a wall. And if one green bottle should accidentally fall, there'd be 17,461 green bottles, sitting on a wall…))

* * *

**

All your replies are belong to us… or something…


	8. Chapter 7

I'm fully aware of how long it's been since my last post, and how painful the wait may have been. Anyway, I've come to beg forgiveness now I've got my metroid vibe back and hope this chapter is enough to appease myself. Two silly upgrades in this one; if that doesn't make the weight worth while, nothing will. almost kills me every time it makes me format these chapters! It's rather discouraging.

* * *

Chapter 6, In Which Our Hero Returns to his Landing Place and Once More Descends into Chibis.

As Salami Amok strode confidently out of the room he found that the stone door with the beehive painted on it had inexplicably swung open. Beyond was a short flight of stairs which lead up onto the surface.

He emerged in what was apparently the remains of a once-mighty Bozo temple. Toppled pillars and slabs of stone littered the ground; mosaic floors depicting great battles and awkward banquets were half buried and cracked apart. An old t-shirt stand that even the fungus found too tacky to digest was propped up against a barely standing wall, gathering reluctant dust.

Salami Amok stood, taking in the scene of the centuries-old Bozo architecture now in ruins, sad stones dreaming of glorious days long past. A bird cawed far above the rocky canyon in which the temple was built. No one has ever been able to explain the Bozo's insistence on building their small shrines and temples in dark, dry canyons. Professor Badidiya of the Archaeology department of the Galactic University suggested it was because they were flightless birds and the Bozos liked to build deep down so they wouldn't be so embarrassed of the other birds that flew in the thin atmosphere of the planet. This theory was shunned slightly afterwards because it was a load of rubbish. Feeling rather awkward, the professor left the university and opened a chain of oriental restaurants galaxy-wide. He is now a multi-billionaire and owns three large islands on the luxury planet of Wiakikiki.

However, Salami Amok didn't really like oriental food and he'd never been to Wiakikiki so that story would have meant very little to him.

Leading out of the canyon he now found himself in were two doors, an advanced, heavy duty security door in the eastern wall and a small, normal energy door in the western wall. Amok clambered over the ruins to the western side of the canyon and stepped through into a short metal passage though the rock face. A few seconds later he stepped out of the other side into a wide open plaza full of sandwich bars and gift shops. All of which were empty, their doors forced, their windows smashed; in fact basically every other sign of breaking and entering was available for viewing in the plaza. Black energy burns marked the floor and walls of the plaza and Amok scanned one of them with him beam.

"Energy scoring on rock. Carbon reading of the burn matches that of signature space parrot hand weapons, or that of an Xbox exploding."

"_Space Parrots_," Hissed Salami Amok unnecessarily as he gazed around at the wreckage. Opposite the bounty hunter was another energy door and he set across the space towards it. Suddenly the sound of cheap wind chimes caught in his ear and he turned to find the source of the sound. Positioned poorly almost hidden between a souvenir shop and an oriental restaurant was a tiny door, encased in shadow and tingling with mystery. Amok moved quietly towards it and, peering into the gloom beyond the door, found that this shop had avoided the pillaging of the invaders. Ducking low to get through the door and still managing to bash his head on a heavy set of wind chimes, Amok entered the shop. After a second's pause he charged up his beam and used the light produced to guide him in the darkness.

The shop smelt of damp and abandonment, though this effect fell dead on the bounty hunter whose suit did not admit smells. Old rotten shelves hung lopsided on the walls. Ancient racks filled the centre of the room. T-shirts and posters bearing messages such as 'Chibi's rox!' and 'I ate at Cafeteria and didn't get food poisoning' hid the walls from sight. Sitting upon shelves were rotten wooden figurines, broken snow domes and baskets of novelty pens and keyrings. Amok raised his charged beam and pointed it into the murk as he moved slowly through the shop until he reached the counter tucked unobtrusively into the corner. Sitting on it was an ancient till, a rack of decomposing brochures for the local tourist attractions and a box of strange clear spheres in plastic packages. Salami Amok picked one up carefully and held it close to the end of the beam so he could read the writing on the package. "Supreme-o Grip! The best upgrade for the power suit since the Flaming Glory Beam. Makes an excellent gift. Not tested on animals. Not suitable for children under the age of three due to small parts and/or sharp edges."

Salami Amok took the object out of the shop and released the charge on his beam towards the sky, shooting a blast of high-speed currency out into space. Then he ripped open the plastic package with some difficulty, and held the clear sphere in his hand. Suddenly it began to change shape, writhing round his metal hand and coating it seamlessly.

"Supreme-o Grip Upgrade Integrated. Grip things."

Salami Amok stood still for a few seconds, expecting something more. However, something more was not to come and after a few seconds Salami Amok left the plaza feeling ripped off (despite the fact he hadn't actually paid anything).

VVVVVV

Salami Amok let out a squeak of delight as he stepped though the energy door into the next deep valley. He was back in the cafeteria where he had landed, though on a platform some metres above the table-dotted floor.

Completely ignoring the noisy iron staircase to his left, Amok leapt valiantly off of the platform and landed on one of the tables near the edge of the space, which promptly collapsed. Climbing from the wreckage the bounty hunter looked around and announced approvingly, "You've been working on that stealth haven't you, Computer? Even I can't see you now!"

The silence that proceeded this statement was only broken by the quiet that followed it. Amok looked around and in a slightly worried voice called out, "Computer?" The quiet scuffled soundlessly with the silence. "Computer?"

The silence won and promptly pressed down into the valley. For several carefully timed seconds it continued until it eased up somewhat as Amok's voice rose in anger. "Well, FINE! If you're still angry about the missile thing it's your own loss! I've been finding some new upgrades but if you're going to be like _that_, you can just… just…" Amok shouted something very rude and the quiet looked taken aback and then turned accusingly towards the silence. The silence looked rather pleased with itself and grinned right back in the quiet's face.

Amok stormed across the cafeteria to find the tunnel he'd initially entered by was blocked with a large rock bearing laser-burns. Now sizzling with heat and embarrassment, the bounty hunter turned around and, ignoring the 'staff only' sign in his rage, stormed through the door behind the counter.

Many, many miles away in a small deep-space ship-park Salami Amok's ship shuddered.

"What's wrong?" Questioned the ship beside him cautiously, "Something wrong with the plutonic waste today?"

"Nah, just got that 'walking on my grave' feeling for a second there. Barkeep, another drink over here!"

VVVVVV

Amok stormed dramatically through a large store room filed with crates containing the sort of cafeteria food so indigestible that not even the lowest and most pitiful breed of fungus would eat it and through the door in the opposite room.

An air-turtle who'd been feasting in a corner looked up. "Did you here sommat, Mac?"

"Nowt," Answered Mac and went back to his meal. The turtle shrugged and joined him.

VVVVVV

Amok found himself back in the small room with the lift leading to Norfolk. Feeling the whole thing had been a waste of time he descended back into the depths of the planet, thinking of all the diode-chilling things he would have liked to have done to his ship.

**Norfolk**

The Bounty Hunter clomped out into the underground wood and back along the riverside. Stopping briefly to release some of his rage onto a tree, he was surprised when a Moosile tank dropped from its branches and was absorbed by his suit. Summoning all his will-power to ignore this good fortune he kicked the tree once more and continued on his way.

The tree looked very offended and began grumbling to itself.

Actually this wasn't anything special, 99.9 of the known universe's trees liked to chat to passers-by (unfortunately 99.8 spend all their time arguing about how large the sun appears today to the nearest kilometre. When the sun's not out they don't bother. The other 0.01 while away the hours solving all the problems of universal culture. However they take so long to say anything that no one ever sticks around long enough to find out what they're talking about). The planet Earth where humans originate is considered extremely bizarre for its silent trees. In fact earth trees are stated as being some of the rudest trees known (though the least boring).

The Badgers Brigade that had been planning another attack on the hunter saw him passing and decided that it could wait.

"Let sleeping Neevils lie," Intoned one sagely.

"Uhuh, and let the angry, blood-thirsty ones carry one with whatever they're doing," Added another bitterly.

"Swing her right round toward the side where the sail is… I'll haul in the sheet…" Announced a one-armed dummy in a blue jumper, its tinny voice falling flat as its boat jerked past.

VVVVVV

Salami Amok gave the gate a no-nonsense look as he closed it viciously behind him. It stayed closed and Amok continued up to the 'cottage' beyond.

Stopping at the front door, Amok knocked on it with all his might. Nothing happened. He kicked it and had less success than with the door. Finally giving up he attempted leaping over it again and as his hands scrabbled on the thatch roof it seemed to form together into a solid surface under the influence of the 'Supreme-o Grip'. He scrambled up the slope and flopped in a heap on the other side in a dry yard where a couple of small, fluffy flightless birds clucked irritably and shuffled accusingly away from him. He picked himself up and looked around. Outside of the yard where he'd landed this side was exactly like the one he'd left, except for a squat wooden signpost beside a dusty path bearing the legend "Left: Ransome's Riverside Walk. Right: Treetop Challenge, Industrial Revolution."

Amok continued to the power door opposite decorated to evidently look like a path heading into a deep wood, and disappeared through.

VVVVVV

Beyond was a vertical shaft carved from the rock, decorated to look like the inside of a forest, and looking more like a vertical shaft carved from the rock. The path split, one end leading to a metal panel set in the floor inscribed with the message, 'Exhibit incomplete, we apologise for the inconvenience', while the second path lead to a large, limbless tree with a wooden staircase spiralling round it. Someone had carved 'Gobridiorancalisilisip woz ere carvin this17/030/5J36FV6' in the soft wood of the trunk. The bounty hunter barely stopped to take this in, however, as he ascended the staircase. Some distance up, a wooden walkway branched off the stairs and lead to a door upon which was written, 'Treetop Challenge, Entrance'. Feeling dizzy and by no means less angry, Amok headed through.

He found himself in a long passage with a floor several metres below which contained a shallow layer of murky, unhealthy looking water. The neevil skeletons floating in it did nothing to make it any less unappealing. A narrow, rusty ladder led from the floor to the platform on which the hunter stood. A similar platform stood on the opposite wall at the same height as Amok's. On the ceiling was a complicated arrangement of bars, rope-swings, nets, logs, rope bridges, beams and so on, forming a trail between the two platforms. The whole complicated arrangement hung from wooden beams set in the walls just below the ceiling, which Amok could just reach by jumping. A sign hung down announcing, 'Treetop Challenge: can you make your way across the room? Complete the Challenge and win a desirable prize!'

'_Forget that_,_' _Thought the hunter. As much as he liked the sound of a desirable prize, there was only so much he was willing to do in his current mood. With the help of the Supreme-o Grip, he pulled himself up onto the wooden structures above the assault course and clambered swiftly over the top. He lowered himself down on the far platform, dusted himself off for dramatic effect (though with no real purpose) and stepped into the room beyond.

A disgruntled Bozo Statue eyed him grouchily. **((That was cheating, you know.)) **Amok gave it a look that would make milk curdle. **((Well, I think you should… **It noticed the hunter's glare. **((You should… should go back and do it… do it again?)) **Any milk in the room would now have reached the stage of cheese and would have begun to mature at a rate that would put the universe's cheese manufacturers to shame. **((Oh, fine! But you're not getting the prize!))**

"Yes I am," Was Salami Amok's deadly reply.

The statue muttered a curse so foul that its use has been banned in several galaxies. **((Adelaide.))** A package materialised in its hand and Amok took it quickly. It was a plain cardboard box. Inside was a set of instructions, written in French and Chinese, and a metal ring about a fist's width, filled by an odd, thin mesh. Salami Amok examined the instructions and, after 9 minutes, his suit realised it should be doing something and began translating.

Amok read them through, and then unscrewed the last 5 centimetres of his power beam, fitted the ring inside and screwed the end back on. A jingle played obligingly and words scrolled across his visor:

"Rice-Beam upgrade integrated. Defeat enemies in oriental style with this weapon."

* * *

What an ending, 'ey? Not sure how I'm gonna improve Amok's mood, but I'll play through Zero Mission 8 times and I'm sure I'll think of something. I loved the conversation between silence and quiet in there and I've already got some really bad jokes about Save Rooms planned for the next chapter.

Adelaide is an obscure joke between me and a friend. Don't worry; it's not supposed to make sense. I'm sure it's a nice enough place in reality.

'Metroid Prime 3 Corruption' looks sooooo uber! And on that note, I leave you.


	9. Chapter 8

Thank you knew reviewer! I've been on holiday for three weeks, but now I'm back and, evading the lure of playing Metroid Prime: Hunters for the rest of the holiday, I've instead come and written a new chapter (hooray).

I'm aware that the opening is somewhat cliché. But if you laugh at that, I know I'm good.

IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

Chapter 8, In Which Salami Amok Hunts the First of Mother Lung's Generals.

The Furry Bolrat is a small, mostly blind creature that lives in the caverns of Chibis. They stand about 30cm high, possess a stubby tail and four flat feet (not much in the way of legs); they're barrel-chested, unintelligent and have a disproportionately large appetite.

They are also very, _very_ furry.

Wawkgrr was a prime example of Furry Bolrat. He had a chest you could store rum in. He had perfected the 'flat-footed traipsing gait' (the traditional walking style of the Furry Bolrat) to an art-form. Not only was his tail stubby, it stuck out at an angle that made stalking predators embarrassed. He also had enough fur to outfit a small army of Supermodels (and with the galaxy as it was, SUPERmodel really meant something).

His fur was very long and very straight. It had to be. Furry Bolrats were notorious for killing off any of their Skangle (the official name for a family group of Bolrats) whose fur was too short, too messy or in any other way unsatisfying.

Wawkgrr was also stupider than a brick made of marshmallow. This was also a very satisfying trait in a Furry Bolrat. Wawkgrr had been watching a particular door for 11 months. Every day, from dawn until dusk, he'd stand outside the door, waiting for someone to come through it, so that he could grab them and carry them triumphantly back to the Skangle, where he'd be praised for his excellent hunting prowess and unfathomable patience (the latter being very important to Furry Bolrats when it came to hunting). He understood that doors were made to be walked through, and, he mused, sooner or later, someone was _bound _to walk through this one. For of course, why would there be a door there at all if no one was going to walk through it?

The only thing that puzzled him was how someone would walk through the door. All his research on the subject suggested that walking through solid objects was a very difficult thing to do, and he would be quite impressed to witness the event himself.

And so for 11 months he'd lurked by the door, just waiting. For 11 months he'd listened to the lazy, northern accents of the air turtles as they circled above him. For 11 months, all was still; day after day he watched the door remain firmly solid. Day after day he returned to the Skangle, unsuccessful, but too thick to consider not coming back tomorrow.

Today, it would be different.

To Wawkgrr's great surprise, the door opened. Suddenly it all made sense.

A creature with two arms, two legs, and what appeared to be a very complicated shell stepped through the door. Wawkgrr saw the fact that the creature was totally furless as a personal insult. But then it hit him: this was his moment. This was what he'd waited 11 months for! This was his time to shine! This was his moment of glory!

Failing to notice the over-excited Furry Bolrat, Salami Amok stepped into the room and tripped over it.

Wawkgrr's fur stood up on end, he omitted a growl that reverberated deep in the barrel of his chest, and he twisted round and latched his teeth into the creature's shin. For the greater good, it may have been better that he didn't understand the word his catch announced at that point.

Salami Amok was already none too pleased, and having a small, ugly and very, very furry creature latch on to his shin like it was top of the food chain really took the biscuit.

Making angry noises, he began swinging his foot around wildly until the Bolrat lost its grip and crashed through a door at the opposite side of the room, which instantly closed.

VVVVVV

Wawkgrr skidded to a halt on his back in the centre of a raised circular platform in the middle of a very shiny room. By the time he'd flipped himself back over, a glass tube had lowered from the ceiling and trapped him on the platform. A voice spoke in a language he didn't recognise. "Welcome to Bozo Shave Room #78. Bozo Shave Rooms have been used by the planets most influential leaders for over three hundred years. Do you want to shave Yes/No?"

"Aroo?"

"You have selected 'Yes'. Please select your shave setting from lengths one to five, with 5 being a trim and 1 being a close shave."

"Wawk!" announced Wawkgrr, puzzled by the strange voice.

"You have selected level 1. Close shave. Please remain still while the operation commences."

Brightly coloured laser beams filled the inside of the tube. Wawkgrr's screams echoed throughout the caverns of Chibis.

VVVVVV

Salami Amok, meanwhile, was finding out that when air turtles were shot with 5 kilograms of high-speed uncooked rice, they instantly stopped moving and began looking around, trying to work out what was going on. This provided the bounty hunter with the platforms he required to reach the top of the cavern, where a door stretched back over the treetop challenge. Passing through, he found himself in a cavern much like the one below, except devoid of the net. Several creatures drifted lazily over the mud and, with experimentation, Amok found that by firing rice from the Rice Beam into the mud, he could distract them long enough to use their backs as stepping stones.

He slipped off of the second creature he attempted to stand on and, finding the mud to be only a few inches deep, proceeded to tramp through it as it messed up the feet of his powersuit.

He reached the other side of the room, shot the power door with his Pwoar Beam, and stepped through. He found himself face to… knee, with a standing Bozo statue. It glared at him murderously. **(You're getting mud everywhere. Do you know how hard it is for me to clean this place?) **Salami Amok ignored the disgruntled monument and stepped past it. Had the statue had the necessary joints, it would have tried to stop him. **(Do you even know where you're going?)**

The bounty hunter paused, thoughtfully. "No." He continued on his way.

Had the statue possessed the necessary joints, it would have turned to face him. The only joints it did possess allowed it to stand up, sit down and do a short, but very entertaining Bozo dance called the Alkee-Calkee Tonga. **(Well, I was going to tell you how you could bypass the space parrot security system and reach Mother Lung, but if you're not interested…)** It let that hang.

Amok considered. "Oh well, I'm sure I'll work it out."

The statue looked puzzled. It hadn't been made for audiences as tough as this. The Bozo's had never quite grasped the concept of 'bad moods'. It considered doing its dance, but decided that it might not be suitable. **(Uh… Aren't you meant to apologise at this point and beg me to tell you?)**

"Go erode yourself."

The statue was somewhat taken aback. **(Well, how about if I just tell you then? I mean, the only reason I was made at all was to tell you… well, that and the parties.)** It sighed reminiscently. **(Oh, what days those were. If you want I'll dance for you afterwards.)**

Salami Amok sighed. It had never been quite satisfying, arguing with the statues. They never seemed to get the concept of it right. But even they were better than the Bozos. "Fine, fine… But no good-old-day talks."

The statue discarded its current trail of thought, and made a hasty rewrite of the conversation that would follow. **(Yes, well, uh,)** It stalled, **(Well then, uh… I mean…)** It bounced up and down on its knees and was glad the hunter was still behind it. **(Well, the uh, the parrots secured Mother Lung and the mermoids… That is to say, there's this big metal place to the east of here. Someone said you went there; saw the big statue with the purple eyes, yeah? Well, behind that is the big metal place with the mermoids and Mother Lung. Well, ya see, the statue is a statue of the first of Mother Lung's generals… Are you following this?)**

"Mother Lung's first general has three eyes and a beak."

**(Something like that, yeah. Well, there are two generals and two statues; one of each of them. And when you find and fight the general, the statue moves and lets you past. Got all that?)**

Amok hadn't, but he had an idea that the statue was getting close to resorting to the 'back in my day' speech. "Right, so to reach Mother Lung, I have to…"

**(Find and defeat the two generals.)** It finished, satisfied. **(And I can tell you where to find the first.)**

"The one with three eyes and a beak?"

**(That's the one. See, you go back to the passage to arrived at Brisket in, with the neevils, and just before you come to the shrine to The Awesome Elvera, Goddess of Beef, starting form here that is, you'll find a room with lots of those blocks of, uh, _mud_. And if you smash the… _mud_, with your bombs, you'll find a shaft that leads to the lair of Rayd, Mother Lung's first General.)**

And so, Salami Amok began his hunt for the first of Mother Lung's generals. Well, that is, after getting the statue to repeat the instructions 9 times before he worked it out. When at last he understood, Amok had one last question.

"So, you got any upgrades or anything I can use?"

**(Is the gift of knowledge not help enough?)**

Amok considered. "Not really, no."

The statue looked awkward **(Well, if you like, I know this dance…)**

VVVVVV

Having watched a very entertaining dance and bothering a couple of air turtles, Salami Amok emerged at the top of the shaft with the wooden staircase. He descended quickly to the cavern floor and entered the cave with the cottage. With renewed vigour, he sprinted across the farm yard sending chickens scattering in panic, leapt madly onto the cottage roof, scrambled up the top with the help of the Supreme-o Grip, leapt off the top and landed with a muffled thud on top of one of the fluffy cloud-like creatures that had been eating the petunias in the garden.

Looking rather embarrassed, the hunter climbed off of the dazed animal, sidled through the gate, closing it carefully, and stepped into the lift that carried him once more into Brisket. Behind him, the reality functions whirred and the gate swung open.

**Brisket**

At the bottom of the shaft that had carried Salami Amok up to the room where he'd discovered the Long Beam, the neevils waited. Since their last disastrous confrontation with the bounty hunter, they'd been planning and, despite an unpleasant interruption by a pile of bondals, they were at last, ready. Every neevil in the colony, from the oldest to the youngest, the greatest warrior to the biggest sissy, were hidden in cracks and behind rocks in the passage. Every one of them had been told the plan over and over again until it was chiselled onto the insides of their exoskeletons. For the last few hours the signal had been repeated until they would have recognised it from fifty miles away or written in Morse code.

In the centre of the cave sat the pride and joy of the colony: a Bozo energy tank. The trap was baited. Their plan was perfect.

This time, the hunter would fall.

IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

Be afraid!

But not so afraid that you can't write a tasty new review. isn't letting me edit this chapter properly for some reason, so if there's any punctuation mistakes, especially round the statue's speech, just ignore it?


	10. Chapter 9

It's been a looooong time since I updated here.

Main reason being severe writer's block rendering me unable to think ap anything funny for 'Kraid's Lair'. I wrote the neevil attack ages ago and this has been shelved pretty much ever since.

However, a resolution has been found! The result seems to me to be an odd mix between Douglas Adams, Terry Pratchett and Lewis Carroll. So yeah, rock on.

The spelling of 'Raid' has changed since last chapter because I realised the joke I had planned really wasn't funny.

* * *

Chapter 9, In Which Our Hero Battles Neevils and Descends into Raid's Lair.

Salami Amok reached the bottom of the shaft where he had first ascended through Brisket, and stepped through the stone arch into the cavern beyond. There was an eerie silence, which the bounty hunter completely failed to notice. His attention was fixed on a heap of rocks, upon which sat a Bozo energy tank.

From behind its rock, the Neevil leader saw this as the opportune moment, and made the signal.

Slightly puzzled but not perturbed by the sudden and unexpected sound of a disembodied voice whistling 'If I Only had a Brain', Amok strolled across the room and reached out for the energy tank.

The Neevil leader finally spotted the flaw in his otherwise perfect plan, and watched the precious energy tank absorb into the bounty hunters suit while wishing they'd for the life of them thought to choose a shorter signal. He finished humming about dancing and being merry, 'life would be a ding-a-derry, if I only had a brain' at record speed, 437 shoe-thirsty neevils leapt as one onto the unprepared hunter.

Salami found himself held fast by the weight of the neevil colony crushing onto him. Hauling seven badgers along was one thing, but this… Amok grunted with the effort of trying to push himself down into a crouched position, but failed even that. The vast numbers of neevils held him fast, preventing him from entering Moth Ball form. He tried firing his beam, but as he couldn't move to aim it, the shots didn't help him, and those neevils he hit were replaced by more. Somewhere below his shins, his suit was beginning to feel distinctly uncomfortable.

Amok writhed under the weight of the neevil colony but failed to move more than a few inches. He realised he was still gripping the firing mechanism on his Power Beam, and promptly let go of it. A shot of high speed currency fired from the beam which Salami had unintentionally charged. At once a number of neevils lost interest in the hunter and leapt after the cash, fighting madly to gain it. In an instant, Salami Amok was away, rapidly crossing the 2 metre distance between himself and the next wall of shoe-eaters. He froze, spun around and found himself facing another living wall rapidly closing in on his from behind. The neevils who had left him in their dive for material gain were rapidly gathering up the last of the Charge Beam's notes. He had another Charge shot ready, but it would never get him past so many enemies.

A desperate idea occurred to him, and he leapt off of the ground.

Unfortunately, the pile of neevils reached the ceiling, so his plan to jump over them no longer seemed so plausible. However, as he leapt and curled into a summersault, the Charge Beam's secondary function took effect, and coinage and bank notes went flying in all directions, filling the room up with more cash than the neevils could have imagined. Salami Amok landed on top of the writhing heap. The walls that had been so close to bearing down on him had vanished. Finding the experience somewhat like trying to take a pleasant walk over a lake of quicksand, Salami Amok scrambled across the pile towards the shrine, looking for the floor of, uh, 'mud', that would yield to the Moth Bombs.

Thirty seconds later, one of the neevils towards the top of the pile yelled suddenly, "Hey, he's getting away!"

As one the neevils looked up to see the hunter disappearing round a bend in the passage. Seconds later they were racing after the hunter in one huge, shoe munching wave of neevils and bulging wallets.

VVVVVV

Salami Amok was in Moth Ball form, coated in 'mud' and dropping bombs faster than a trigger-happy World War 4 pilot. Goo splattered everywhere and Amok dropped down into the shaft below and began bouncing down the shaft like he was made of rubber, passing a couple of air-turtles who began muttering about how kids these days had no patience. Back in their day- Four hundred and thirty three neevils poured over the edge of the shaft after the hunter and fairly ended the air-turtles reminiscing.

It should perhaps be noted that the remaining four neevils who did not pour down the shaft with the others instead toddled off to the shrine of Elvera, Goddess of Beef, to apologise for all the noise. Their names were Ernie, Bernie, Mildred, and Ron. They will forever be recognised as the most devout neevils of their generation.

VVVVVV

Salami Amok reached the bottom of the shaft and dropped in front of a blue energy door as the hoards of neevils came ever closer. He popped out of Moth Ball and fired at it with the Pwoar Beam, and the door wheezed and opened. The bounty hunter dived through as the weight of four hundred and thirty three neevils crashed to the bottom of the stone passage and as one, turned towards the door. It sealed behind the hunter and the colony thudded against it with an unpleasant crunch. Amok made the tactical decision to not wait around and quickly spotted the energy lift descending in the centre of the room. He jumped into it and sent it descending downwards into the depths of Chibis.

On the other side of the door, the neevils gathered round, nursing minor injuries and damaged pride. "His shoes really weren't that good you know, metal is metal and leather _is_ leather, doncha know," They consoled one another. "Well, what goes down must come up. 'E can't stay in there forever." And so the neevils made a tactical retreat back to their homes for a nice cup of tea and a sit down.

VVVVVV

As the Neevils stood around and counted the money they had won from the hunter, it occurred to them to wonder where so much currency had materialised from.

Meanwhile, many miles away on the presidential planet of Forminoov, the president of the Galactic Institution of Trade and Society, Erwin Doe, was running through the annual accounts and was horrified to find that huge amounts of cash seemed to have disappeared into thin air.

It eventually came to light that his calculator was broken. Obviously this tale has nothing to do with the quest of Salami Amok, but it is included to warn you, should you find yourself in such a situation: check the quality of your calculator before having your accountants fed to an Uber-Cycow.

**Raid's Lair**

Raid's Lair was a place of shiny metal cylindrical interiors. The lift brought Salami Amok down into a perfectly round metal shaft, marked with regular steel ledges. Two energy doors, one normal and one stronger, also led out of the shaft nearby. Bug-eyed Raid-Krabs ambled around the cavern, crawling slowly over the walls and ledges, bouncing into things (including each other). The sensors in Salami's suit stated that the whole place was filled with a psychoactive gas, which might have explained the creature's odd behaviour.

Salami moved cautiously down from his ledge towards the basic energy door when one of the Raid-Krabs wandered close to him and said in a distant voice, "You'll be looking for that Parrot General, Raid, won't you?"

"Uh, yes," Amok answered unsurely.

Another Krab approached, grinning, "Raid is funny," It giggled, "He said… he said…" Unfortunately whatever Raid said remained a mystery to the bounty hunter as the Krab suddenly erupted into a fit of giggles.

"Can you walk on walls?" The first Krab suddenly asked, gravely.

"No."

"Ceilings?"

Amok shook his head.

The Krab looked disapproving, "That won't… won't do at all… If you wanna see Raid you gotta be able to walk on warbles…"

Salami was now very confused. "What's a warble?"

"But don't you worry about any little thing!" The Krab's voice rose again, "If you turn on the lifts you can get to Raid without… without wazzat."

The second Krab suddenly burst out laughing again. Salami faced it nervously, "Uh…"

The first Krab got his attention again, "Doncha worry about _him!_ You gotta worry about the lizard!"

"Lizard?"

"The GIRANICAL LIZARD that guards the contours for the lifts!"

The second Krab laughed so hard it fell off of the wall and disappeared into the depths of the shaft. Its cries of mirth echoed up towards them.

"Doncha worry about a thing!" The remaining Krab declared! "The lizard… The lizard's been dead for… for, you know, what are those things you get if you stick enough months together?"

"Years?"

"That's the… the…"

"One?"

"No; eighteen." The Krab scooted off down the wall, muttering to itself.

"Wait! Where are the lift contours? Uh, controls!"

The Krab cried up, "The red door! It's… It's… The LIZARD IS RED!"

The Krab disappeared, leaving Salami Amok utterly oblivious as to the lizard's mortality. Wondering if anything the Krab had told him was true, he shot a moossile at the secure door and headed through.

The passage beyond was shiny, metal and perfectly cylindrical, which made walking along it something of a challenge. Scrambling along it, Amok encountered another Raid-Krab which, when not singing, did manage to inform him that the lift controls were down this passage and the lizard was indeed dead. This information was repeated by the next five Krabs and he was beginning to feel more confident as he strode through a door at the end of the passage into another shiny metal vertical cylinder. He climbed up through the shaft until he came to another red door with 'lift controls' written over the top. With a grin he shot it with a moosile and wandered through.

The room beyond was largely taken up by a large pool of orange acid with was bridged by a number of pillars, pointing up out of the acid and providing platforms to stand on, just above the surface. On the pillar in the pool's centre was an Energy Tank and on the far side was a large computer console.

Amok quickly crossed the pool round the edge to the console, which he examined. It consisted of a lot of blinking lights and in the centre a single large purple button labelled 'lift control'. Salami pressed it, and a disembodied female voice announced coolly, "Lifts have been: activated. Have a nice day."

"That was easy!" Amok announced cheerfully and leapt to the platform in the centre of the pool and picked up the energy tank. It was absorbed into his suit. "Energy tank obtained, Energy Capacity restored and increased."

And then the pillar on which Salami Amok was standing exploded as massive teeth, each at least a foot long, grabbed round its edges and crushed it in insanely powerful jaws. A head that seemed to consist of a horrifyingly huge mouth and three pale emotionless eyes the size of beach balls slammed into Amok and sent him flying through the air and crashing into the computer console.

Twenty metres of long, sleek body emerged from a hole in the pool's bottom and coiled itself around the four remaining pillars.

The Gigantic Tyrannical Lizard who guarded the lift controls of Raid's Lair was long dead.

The Great and Terrible Acid Worm who was hired by the Space Parrot's as its replacement, evidently wasn't.

* * *

I heard somewhere that in the original 'Metroid' you had to fight a mini-boss in 'Kraid' that was basically a less impressive version of Kraid himself, but then in 'Zero Mission' it was taken out and the acid worm made its appearance. Hence the 'lizard is dead' thing. WI don't care if that's true or not; comedy is all that matters! 

Well, comedy and reviews. Speaking of which…


End file.
